Driving Mad Read online

  DRIVING MAD

  Maniacs, Morons and the Advanced Motorist’s Club

  Edited by Graham Fulbright

  Associate Editor: Pat Gore

  World Motoring Federation (WMF) senior consultant

  Copyright © 2014 Graham Fulbright

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.

  Matador

  9 Priory Business Park

  Kibworth Beauchamp

  Leicestershire LE8 0RX, UK

  Tel: (+44) 116 279 2299

  Fax: (+44) 116 279 2277

  Email: [email protected]

  Web: www.troubador.co.uk/matador

  ISBN 978 1783067 831

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Matador is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd

  Table of Contents

  Section One: The Advanced Motorist

  Hands-on experience

  Coping with emergencies

  Preferred accessories, incl. combat extras

  Problem-solving skills

  Hallmarks

  Inventiveness

  Challenges relished

  Serious reading material

  Light reading material

  Making all the right Hollywood connections

  Cult movies

  Music to kick-start the adrenaline

  Memorable remarks

  Section Two: Healthy Driving

  The Motoring Nerd or Bore

  Behavioural A to Z

  The Uneducated Motorist

  The L Factor

  The Advanced Motorist Abroad

  Points to Remember when Motoring on the Continent

  Accident Zone-Mayhem after Midnight in Moscow

  Cinema and Literary Quiz

  Find the right home for some well-known films, novels and plays

  So you think you’re roadwise?

  A Question of Origins

  Psychological Profiles

  The Nature Conservationist

  The Methuselah Man?

  The Cheetah

  The Formula One Contender

  Section Three: How to Read Vehicle Colour & Decorative Codes

  Hitch-Hikers

  Motoring Studies Quartet

  Chaos Theory

  Sobering Reminder

  Section Four: Advanced Driving Proficiency Theory Test

  Victory Lap

  Quotable Quotes

  Honourable Mentions

  Blacklist

  Novel Acronyms

  In Closing

  Dedicated to the memory of Graham J.W. H., a true friend

  SECTION ONE

  THE ADVANCED MOTORIST

  Hands-on experience

  Every advanced motorist worthy of the name will have participated in at least three of these competitive events:

  (a) 24 hours Le Mans

  (b) Daytona 500

  (c) Paris-Dakar Rally

  (d) Monte Carlo Rally

  (e) NASCAR

  (f) IndyCar Series

  (g) Drag racing

  (h) Baja 1000

  (i) Targa racing

  (j) 24 hours Nürburgring

  All the better, if he has done three of the following:

  (a) broken a collar or other bone while stock-car racing;

  (b) stripped down, rebuilt and tuned a 36-valve, 5.5 litre V-12 engine;

  (c) had his photograph taken alongside a Formula One/NASCAR winner;

  (d) challenged the Stig’s Top Gear test track performance;

  (e) come close to breaching the sound barrier behind the controls of a supersonic, jet-propelled car in the Black Rock Desert/along Streatham High Road.

  The ideal spot to empty that ash tray and to water the weeds.

  Coping with emergencies

  (a) Wary of con artists, the advanced motorist never falls for the lure of people behaving like jack-in-the-boxes with orange safety vests.

  (b) Should he come across an overturned car with driver and passengers trapped inside, he will assume the occupants are taking a yoga break.

  (c) Hearing a fire engine, police or ambulance siren behind him, his gut instinct will be to check on his cell phone that it is not his property on fire or his family held to ransom and only then will he move aside.

  (d) If pulled in by the police for speeding, he will ask how they would have behaved had they just picked up news on their dashboard iPad of a suicide attack in the vicinity.

  (e) When his brakes fail on a steep slope, he will either cut across the first gap in the opposite lane or perform a 360 degree turn that scares the living daylights out of drivers to his rear.

  Some transport authorities can’t resist more of those theory tests.

  Preferred accessories, incl. combat extras

  (a) Diamond chrome wheels with nylon carcass tyres.

  (b) Leather upholstery with mahogany cherry, walnut or rosewood steering wheel, gear lever, dash and panelling.

  (c) Onboard cocktail cabinet, ice-making facilities and espresso machine.

  (d) Rotating, retractable Ben Hur lookalike charioteer blades designed to cut swathe through obstructing traffic.

  (e) Chicago police siren and taser bought on eBay.

  Looks like you’ve parked outside one of David Copperfield’s pads.

  Problem-solving skills

  (a) Downloads the latest GPS updates in order to avoid anything from dense fog to mudslides, wildfires, earthquakes, oil slicks, radar traps and road bocks.

  (b) If crawling along in tailback led by a tractor or long vehicle over a narrow winding road, will sound siren, move out and bulldoze his way ahead.

  (c) When confronted by road rage in the form of some idiot who pulls up alongside and swerves towards him, will flash custom-made, off-duty police badge, activate siren and generally bust a gut to scare the shit out of the offending party.

  (d) Should a bonehead jump in front only to slam on the brakes and drive at a snail’s pace, will trigger siren and reach for taser, his private law enforcement standby.

  (e) When obliged to wait too long to emerge from a side street onto a major road, will use tried-and-trusted friend, the eBay police siren.

  Good job you’re driving – Pilgrims are in for the long haul.

  Hallmarks

  (a) Always makes a pit-stop start when leaving motorway service station.

  (b) Never aquaplanes or loses control on black ice.

  (c) Wears racing goggles and gloves when driving his soft top with roof down.

  (d) Behaves courteously, never failing to give those attempting to overtake him a victory sign of sorts.

  (e) Carries a selection of custom-made keys guaranteed to unlock wheel clamps.

  (f) Keeps spare set of clean driving licences in glove compartment and alternative CD number plates in boot.

  (g) Has clean bill of health with his insurers, with no accident claims filed against him by third parties.

  (h) Prefers to tip garage mechanics generously rather than to pay over-hyped motoring organisations for rescue services he will never use

  (i) Enjoys deep-discount rates on rental cars worldwide on strength of letters of recommendation, purportedly from agency CEOs.
r />   (j) While not averse to driving luxury marques, has distinct preference for stick-shift models. Also trades in his workaday 5-litre V8 supercharged model on annual basis at most favourable price irrespective of mileage on clock. Maintains his vehicle coachwork and engine parts in pristine condition.

  (k) Is adept at changing tyres (in event of a flat) in less time than it takes to prepare a double espresso in his rear compartment.

  (l) Equips each state-of-the-art wheel with anti-theft locking devices; also arms his car with powerful, electric-shock, theft-deterrent device (‘to teach the buggers a lesson’).

  (m) Views continuous white lines with much the same abhorrence as Palestinians view Israel’s separation barrier.

  (n) Will use dedicated bus, taxi and emergency vehicle lanes whenever these are empty and he is on a tight schedule.

  (o) Generally accelerates over speed-reduction chevron markings, dismissing these as optical illusions designed to trick motorists into thinking that they are driving faster than is actually the case.

  (p) Equips his top-of-the range vehicles with self-fastening seat belts.

  (q) Makes sure his Rolls sports a platinum Spirit of Ecstasy, his Jaguar a gold-plated leaping black panther, and that both are vandal and theft-proof.

  (r) Will have tested, if not owned, a Porsche 911 Carrera 7-speed manual or a Ferrari 458 Spider with folding metal roof.

  (s) Will have acquired a few high-profile, personalised number plates at auction, ranging from 4 KIX to HER 01C, GOD NOSIV1 and UC 1M3 (mounted after spell behind bars).

  Want to be the first and last picnicker to have his photo taken under this sign?

  Inventiveness

  (a) Kits his latest model out with onboard, female voice system not only providing start-up and security foreplay but also quality, hands-free, smartphone sex.

  (b) Goes one better than the air bag by installing inflatable doll beneath steering wheel.

  (c) While tuning in to the voice in (a) above may have sex with inflated doll equipped with vaginal contraction and fibrillation system.

  (d) Times his orgasm to coincide with overtaking at full revs in top gear.

  (e) Will have applied for entry in Guinness Book of World Records as ‘first individual to have had sex behind the wheel’ while driving along the North Circular/Route 66 at 100 mph.

  A testing time for any driver with a sub-Mensa IQ.

  Challenges relished

  (a) Seizing on that fast-closing window of opportunity: when accelerating towards motorway slip road turn-off, will (noblesse oblige) overtake any lead car for last-minute cut-in before continuous white line.

  (b) Playing the Good Samaritan: will help young ladies to cope with their wheel change by talking them through entire procedure.

  (c) Exploiting Billy Graham persona: how better to convince doubting police officers that he is not kerb-crawling, but seeking to teach unfortunate young women the error of their ways?

  (d) Selecting the finest pair of legs in the office for car-sharing deal: after storing Miss Inflatable out of sight before launching his charm offensive, will never, despite having tanked up with cut-price diesel, omit to charge the going rate for unleaded regular.

  (e) Experimenting with high-speed U-turns on cliff-edge dirt tracks: a test of white-knuckle survival skills, high-risk manoeuvres of this kind are tailor-made to break or cement ties with preferred female companion in front passenger seat.

  Don’t try it, unless you’re also an experienced mountain biker!

  Serious reading material

  The Noble Road Hog by Jean-Jacques Roueseaux

  Thus Spake Sarah Thruster by Neatcha

  How Heinz Schadenfreude Drove Me Round The Bend by Sigismund Friedhof

  I Married The Worst Back-Seat Driver In Athens by Socarts

  Primum Mobile by Saint Augustus de Francorchamps

  De Causum Rerum Atque Celeritam by Ayrton Mercurius

  Steering Through Amazing Three-Point Turns by Ulysses Daedalus

  The Zeppo Paradox: Why London’s Golden Arrow Falls Short Of The Halfway Point To Edinburgh by Zeno Marks

  The Man With The Golden Silencer by Harpoe Marks

  The Wheeler-Dealer Revolution (Barley-Davidson imprint) by Karl Marks

  A Short History Of Spaghetti Junctions by Sergio Longleat (featuring overhead shots in Eastwood Colour)

  Thoughts Concerning The Lost Key: The Stranded Man’s Guide To A Better Understanding Of Breaking And Entering by Johannes Locke

  Argument Against Abolishing Manual Pleasure by Deane Swift (in anticipation of the automatic gearbox)

  Unlike you, some drivers never get the message.

  Light reading material

  The Art of Handlebar Maintenance by James Edwardes

  How Green Was My Exhaust by Dick Llewellyn

  Gone with the Air-Conditioner by Maggie Mitchell

  Driving School for Scandal by Fletcher and Beaumountain

  Ecole des Femmes Conductrices by Malière

  The Story of O, but I love Your Cruise Control by Pauline Leathergear

  (acclaimed author of Always in the Back Seat on a Sunday)

  A Tale of Two Axles by Chas Dickhead

  Sons and Gear Changers by D.H. Torquewrench

  Transports of Delight by Anais Soissante Nerf

  We Drove Them Our Way … to the Pen. (US Interstate Highway Patrol)

  Making all the right Hollywood connections

  Pair the following actors and films correctly: Alan Arkin (The Lincoln Lawyer), Gene Hackman (Vanishing Point), Mel Gibson (The French Connection), Rutger Hauer (The Hitcher), Geena Davis (Ronin), David Carradine (Death Proof), Dennis Weaver (The Bourne Supremacy), Bruce Willis (Gran Torino), Steve McQueen (Blade Runner), Jean Reno (The Sugarland Express), Sean Bean (The Great Race), Clint Eastwood (Thelma & Louise), Eva Mendes (Mad Max 2), Matt Damon (Duel), Matthew McConaughey (Little Miss Sunshine), Natalie Wood (Bullitt), Barry Newman (Death Race 2000), Kurt Russell (A Good Day To Die Hard), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Ghost Rider), Goldie Hawn (The Last Stand).

  Answers

  Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine), Gene Hackman (The French Connection), Mel Gibson (Mad Max 2), Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner), Geena Davis (Thelma & Louise), David Carradine (Death Race 2000), Dennis Weaver (Duel), Bruce Willis (A Good Day To Die Hard), Steve McQueen (Bullitt), Jean Reno (Ronin), Sean Bean (The Hitcher), Clint Eastwood (Gran Torino), Eva Mendes (Ghost Rider), Matt Damon (The Bourne Supremacy), Matthew McConaughey (The Lincoln Lawyer), Natalie Wood (The Great Race), Barry Newman (Vanishing Point), Kurt Russell (Death Proof), Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Last Stand), Goldie Hawn (The Sugarland Express).

  Cult movies

  Driving Miss Flanders (remake of screen adaptation of Fielding’s novel) – for soft porn lovers

  The Color Crimson, starring Rita Von Tease with sundry gear sticks – for sensation-seekers

  Easy Sidecar Rider – for grass addicts

  Electra Slide In Blue - for trombone fans

  The Grate Race – for fireside Xbox players

  The Motrix Trilogy – for computer geeks

  The Road To Dakar – for desert rally drivers

  Thelma and Louisa Alcock – for suicide nutters

  Life in the Fast Track by Richard Sonbran – for the Mile High Club

  The Cages of Fear, French road drama starring Yves Mounting – for HGV drivers emulating Yves’s twists and turns

  However high and mighty you think you are, this really does look off limits – even for a Mini.

  Music to kick-start the adrenaline

  On the Road again (Willie Nelson)

  Hit the Road, Jack (Ray Charles)

  King of the Road (Roger Miller)

  Further on up the Road (Johnny Cash)

  Crossroads (Eric Clapton)

  Gear Jammer & the Hobo (Red Sovine)

  The Road’s my Middle Name (Bonnie Raitt)

  Score from Thelma and Louise

  Score from So, You Thought That Was The Great E
scape directed by OJ Samson

  Me and my Arrow (Nielsen): for those with their police-friendly pit bull or rotweiler in back

  Do you really want to drive all the way to Panama?

  Squirrel conservation area - Drive slowly!

  Memorable remarks

  ‘I’m driving like the clappers, therefore I am’. Attributed to Rene Descars, great-great- grandson of Descars the elder, 17th century coach driver.

  ‘We’ve yet to come across a motorist who doesn’t turn into a model driver the moment he catches sight of us in his rearview mirror.’ (Orange County Highway Patrol)

  ‘When I die, you’ll find “The Overtaker” engraved on my coffin lid.’ Mark Streakaway, five-times WWF champion.

  ‘The most dangerous part of any car is the driver.’ (anon.)

  ‘The sticker on my Fiat’s windscreen reads: “Emergency exit - Head-butt open and get the f**k out”.’ (AC Milan supporter)

  ‘If you want to double the asking price for your secondhand Lada, fill the tank up.’ (anon.)

  ‘Any car will last you for the rest of your days, if you drive it into a brick wall at 120 mph.’ (Dartford Tunnel Gravediggers Co-operative)

  ‘They’ve erected this new sign, “Maternity Home – Those obstructing exits will face prosecution”. What can they have been thinking?’ (Consultant gynaecologist)

  ‘Pedestrians wearing headsets have invented a new form of Russian roulette: crossing the road diagonally without bothering to look either way.’ (Actuaries’ Weekly)

  ‘The jaywalker is never right, whether dead or alive.’ (Road Users’ Charter)

  ‘More and more people are ending up in hospital as a result of being plugged in to Christina Aguilera’s “Come On Over, Baby” on pedestrian crossings.’ (2009 European Road Accidents Study)