Driving Mad Read online

  ‘Coca-Cola is one helluva fine solvent for cleaning blood off the turnpike.’ (Sunset Boulevard Highway Patrol)

  ‘Whatever speed you happen to be travelling at, all other road users are either crawling or suicidal.’ (anon.)

  ‘Ever since I’ve learnt how to drive, I never leave the house on foot without donning body armour.’ (anon.)

  ‘Wherever you’re headed and whatever your speed, you’re wherever you are at the moment.’ (Second law of quantum mechanics)

  ‘Don’t drink behind the wheel – You might spill our beer.’ (Triple Sheila)

  ‘As the lights changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.’ Jack Handy

  ‘If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.’ Sam Levenson

  ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said “Parking Fine”.’ Tommy Cooper

  ‘She says she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.’ Bob Hope

  ‘Okay, sweetheart, let’s get one thing straight. Yes, my hearing’s shot to pieces and, yes, my eyesight’s not what it was, but I can still drive.’ Petrochemicals haulier chatting up short-order waitress.

  SECTION TWO

  HEALTHY DRIVING

  In a recent alert published in The Scalpel, senior medical consultants advised motorists against:

  1. Masturbating while waiting for the lights to change, given the risk of:

  (a) premature acceleration;

  (b) giving too much juice and slipping the clutch;

  (c) generating additional, non-turbo-assisted thrust while stationary;

  (d) post-ejaculatory brake pedal depression;

  (e) permanent blindness to surrounding traffic conditions.

  2. Back-seat sex, resulting in:

  (a) need for physiotherapy after going beyond mental gymnastics to prove that one plus one equals 69;

  (b) a bruised piston head in the event of law enforcement officers interrupting cylinder lubrication with flash photography through rear window;

  (c) coitus interruptus in moving taxis, where drivers, concerned about their upholstery, won’t hesitate to slam on the brakes at the worst possible moment;

  (d) a prized limousine being turned into a heap of scrap metal, after the chauffeur takes his eye off the road to fiddle with a camcorder;

  (e) blowouts where blow jobs coincide with hitting a pothole.

  The same issue of The Scalpel also warned that ‘Where road works narrow motorway lanes from four to three or from two to one, drivers using the zip fastener technique should beware of trying to synchronise this with tucking-in following post-ejaculatory detumescence’.

  Put that packet of amphetamines out of sight!

  THE MOTORING NERD OR BORE

  (for his own peace of mind, the Advanced Motorist is advised not to skip these profiles)

  Behavioural A to Z

  (a) Midnight cowboy: clenches steering wheel with both hands at 12 o’clock – if nose close to windscreen, possibly high on joint.

  (b) Naturist: grips steering wheel with one hand at 12 or 1 o’clock, using free hand to explore nose, ears, armpits and/or crotch.

  (c) Couch potato: holds steering wheel around 6 o’clock between thumb and index finger of one or both hands; frequently seen juggling to save GPS from falling off dash.

  (d) Neolithic man: in cold weather, generally loops one arm around upper segment of steering wheel; in warm weather, leaves free arm dangling outside window - apt to spoil overall impression by giving passing motorists the benefit of tracks such as These Boots Are Made For Walking on his CD player.

  Dead Giveaways

  (e) Leaves headrest adjusted to guarantee maximum whiplash.

  (f) Likes to reminisce over a can of Red Bull about his collectors’ column-shift vehicle.

  (g) Bores partygoers stiff by claiming that there has to be some connection between the internal combustion engine and the Jockey Club. Why else measure propulsion in terms of horsepower?

  (h) Adds that he stores boots in his trunk and trunks in his boot.

  (i) Maintains that Mickey Finns are to hoods and bonnets what arsenic is to old lace.

  (j) Makes things worse by quipping that differential gear is something worn to attract attention and that wishbones belong on turkeys.

  (k) Claims the nearest he’s come to seeing a big end was on an adult web site.

  (l) Reckons almost every motorist owns a four-wheel-drive: ‘Why let two wheels do all the work?’

  (m) Wonders why distributor caps are not made by Durex and crossovers not driven by transsexuals.

  (n) Associates rpm with his music centre but understands that ABS has nothing to do with abdominals and that ESP cannot mean ‘extra-sensory perception’.

  (o) Thinks anti-knock might be medication taken by female porn stars to delay piston firing and improve dipstick penetration.

  (p) Has been known to fill up his wife’s diesel-fuelled car with regular. Makes a habit of hitting manhole covers and stormwater drains; also pavement parks to encourage jaywalking.

  (q) Never looks under bonnet for simple reason that he doesn’t know how to open it.

  (r) Asserts that the only time he met a grease monkey was in an Asian massage parlour.

  (s) If asked about the effect of removing the rotor under his distributor cap, will expect you to rephrase your question intelligibly.

  (t) Asked whether he favours cleaning or replacing faulty spark plugs, replies that he leaves lawnmower maintenance to DIY experts.

  (u) When entering service station to fill up, never thinks of making for farthest, unoccupied exit slot.

  (v) Whenever refuelling, will park vehicle so as to give himself a hernia manipulating fuel nozzle. If rejoining motorway, apt to crawl along until jogged awake.

  (w) Takes an eternity to test and adjust tyre pressures as a result of letting out too much air, misjudging readings, slipping gauge off nipple and mislaying nipple caps.

  (x) In tramline car wash, capable of positioning driver-side wheels inside rail transporting wash unit.

  (y) At car wash facilities in general, forgets to fold back wing mirrors, leaves driver-side window more than a crack open and generally ignores instructions to disengage handbrake and gear lever.

  (z) Frequently double-parks, leaves indicator on after turning and brakes inside turns, giving loose purchases the pinball treatment.

  Hungry? Well, did you bring a rifle with you?

  The Uneducated Motorist

  (i) In reversing to park nose to tail between two kerbside cars, forgets to allow for Sod’s Law, which says ‘No matter how much clearance you leave, by the time you return to your vehicle it might as well be the lettuce leaf in a ham sandwich’.

  (ii) When entering gate-operated car parks, mistakes information button for ticket dispenser.

  (iii) While awaiting change from car park ticket machine, tries other drivers’ goodwill by joking that he expects to hit the jackpot.

  (iv) Cannot tell difference between credit card and ticket slot at car park exit points.

  (v) Has snapped off at least one plastic boom in an open-air car park.

  (vi) Before purchasing entire set of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, will have positioned boot of his two-door vehicle flush with nearest wall or concrete pillar.

  (vii) Drives around underground car parks at night without lights and, blind to gesticulations from other drivers, invariably against the flow.

  (viii) In summer, suffocates infants and pets by leaving them inside vehicle with all windows firmly closed.

  (ix) Parks on downhill gradients in first, with wheels turned outwards.

  (x) Runs his engine at full throttle to clear exhaust before leaving vehicle.

  (xi) Noses rear of long loads, leaving no room to overtake.

  (xii
) Carves up every two-wheeled road user from racing cyclists and pizza delivery men to couriers learning street layouts.

  (xiii) Expects to raise a laugh by jesting that ‘spoilers is the collective noun for traffic wardens’, ‘mufflers are those dead creatures women wear around their neck’ and ‘throttling her down’ means ‘strangling the wife’.

  (xiv) Has never been known to touch his wheel-nut wrench, mistaking it for a starting handle useful should he lose his ignition key.

  (xv) Is his own worst enemy and the curse of other road users, particularly Hell’s Angels and Harley riders, because of rarely checking his blind spot.

  (xvi) Pulled to the side by the Highway Patrol while driving his vacation rental and asked ‘Excuse me, sir, but are you DUI?’ can reply ‘Do I or this vehicle look like we’re from Dubai?’

  What, even on Guy Fawkes night or the Fourth of July?

  Not bad if you’ve travelled this far in one morning!

  THE L FACTOR

  Points to bear in mind when confronted by the letter L in its various forms:

  (a) On the assumption that the driver hails from far afield (viz. Laos, Lapland, Latvia, Lebanon, Lesotho, Liberia, Libya, Liechtenstein, Lilliput, Lithuania or Luxembourg) where they drive on the other side or down the middle of the road, keep their lights on in full sunlight, cram refrigerators and bicycles into the back seats and goats and asylum seekers on the roof rack … it’s best to give him or her a wide berth.

  (b) When affixed to rear window, assume that this L stands for ‘Lunkhead’ or ‘Lunatic’.

  (c) Should the person behind the wheel be accompanied by a driving instructor, improve his or her learning curve by turning up the volume on your siren.

  (d) The driver might be celebrating his or her 50th birthday or have learnt to drive in Legoland. Then again, he could be visually impaired: more used to a white than to a gear stick. Whatever, best to stay well clear.

  (e) If you’re tailing someone driving a Lada, give this person an even wider berth than the driver in (d).

  You don’t need to be Czech to grasp this pictogram.

  THE ADVANCED MOTORIST ABROAD

  Points to Remember when Motoring on the Continent

  (a) They drive on the right, except for the handful of Italians who might as well be in India, where they drive down the centre of the road.

  (b) Belgians: just one look at their vehicles should tell you something about the level of their insurance premiums.

  (c) Dutch caravan drivers (otherwise known as flatlanders): never get too close to them on hill starts.

  (d) French drivers: if you see one using his indicators, either you or he is daydreaming.

  (e) Germany’s Autobahn drivers: be prepared for them to overtake you in eighth gear.

  (f) Southern-European motorists: look out for erratic steering – the person behind the wheel is likely to be concentrating on more important things than driving, such as music, food, drink and sex - possibly all four at the same time.

  Accident Zone

  Mayhem after Midnight in Moscow

  (a) If you’re looking for the ideal motoring holiday destination, San Marino (but how many of you are philatelists?) and Andorra (cheap booze, here we come) seem relatively accident-free.

  (b) If you’re in a hurry to get to your own funeral, driving across either Afghanistan or Eritrea should do the trick, dodging land mines and truck drivers high on hashish.

  (c) Liechtenstein boasts a pretty low fatality rate as does Malta, but then so does Disneyland.

  (d) For those willing to run the road death gauntlet, your best bets are the USA (plenty of uninsured red light runners) and the Russian Federation (Moscow, in particular, where sons of high-ranking apparatchiks sow mayhem with their sports cars). Of course, you need to bear in mind population size, drug habits, Budweiser and vodka consumption … There’s also Latvia, Lithuania and Kazakhstan - none of these exactly a tourist Mecca. Whatever else you do, never, but never, hop onto a bus in Peru bound for the hills.

  (e) Drinking while driving combined with drinking while walking appears to invite a dangerous mix in Turkey, where motorists and pedestrians under the influence have a particularly bad accident record (and those same people want to be let loose on the roads in Europe).

  Emulate the advanced motorist’s recognition skills. How correct is the list of countries alongside these international vehicle registration codes?

  (a) KSA (Kenya)

  (b) HR (Hungary)

  (c) MC (Macedonia)

  (d) BIH (Ukraine)

  (e) V (Venezuela)

  (f) PY (Philippines)

  (g) RH (Rwanda)

  (h) ES (Spain)

  (i) WAG (Wallis and Futuna)

  (j) MK (Morocco)

  (k) MNE (Mongolia)

  (l) ZA (Zanzibar)

  Answers

  (a) KSA = Saudi Arabia; (b) HR = Croatia; (c) MC = Monaco; (d) BIH = Bosnia and Herzegovina; (e) V = Vatican City; (f) PY = Paraguay; (g) RH = Haiti; (h) ES = El Salvador; (i) WAG = Gambia; (j) MK = Macedonia; (k) MNE = Montenegro; (l) ZA = South Africa.

  Mind the jitterbugs!

  Savvy people, like you, aware that George W. graces a $1 bill, not to mention a quarter, will tender the minimum.

  CINEMA AND LITERARY QUIZ

  Find the right home for some well-known films, novels and plays

  (a) Comparative survival chances of elderly pedestrians risking crossing the street as the green walking-man changes to red. (For Whom The Bell Tolls)

  (b) He used metal cutters to decapitate a row of parking meters. (Lord Of The Rings)

  (c) Farce lived by someone blaming repeated failure of his driving test on examiner unimpressed by series of red nose days. (Gone With The Wind)

  (d) Jenson’s biker brother living life in fast reverse. (O Brother, Where Art Thou?)

  (e) Chauffeuring the widowed Bellis Perennis. (Much Ado About Nothing)

  (f) Speeding driver pursued by motorcycle cops hits police barrier head-on. (The Good, The Bad And The Ugly)

  (g) Outcome of falling asleep behind wheel while crossing tree-lined suburban area. (The Comedy Of Errors)

  (h) Aphorism of advanced motorist close to losing licence after penalty point deductions. (Nightmare On Elm Street)

  (i) Influential owner of Audi sports coupé. (Driving Miss Daisy)

  (j) From 0 to 100 in 6 seconds. (Cool Hand Luke)

  (k) The Aston Martin, the Rover 800 and the Volga. (The Quick and The Dead)

  (l) Tiresias driving a handcar/pump trolley. (The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button)

  Answers

  (a) The Quick And The Dead; (b) Cool Hand Luke; (c) The Comedy of Errors; (d) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; (e) Driving Miss Daisy; (f) For Whom The Bell Tolls; (g) Nightmare on Elm Street; (h) Much Ado About Nothing; (i) Lord Of The Rings; (j) Gone With The Wind; (k) The Good, The Bad And The Ugly; (l) O Brother, Where Art Thou?

  So you think you’re roadwise?

  (a) Which of these songs on the Beatles’ Abbey Road album runs to over 7 minutes?

  (i) Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds; (ii) Imagine;

  (iii) With A Little Help From My Friends; (iv) I want You;

  (v) Eleanor Rigby.

  (b) Which of these singers had a No. 1 hit the first line of which was ‘Trailers for sale or rent’?

  (i) Tom Jones; (ii) Roger Miller; (iii) John Denver;

  (iv) Matt Monro; (v) Rolf Harris.

  (c) Where would you find the Appian Way?

  (i) France; (ii) Scotland; (iii) Italy; (iv) Greece;

  (v) Vatican City.

  (d) Where were Bob Hope and Bing Crosby heading for in their last ‘Road’ movie?

  (i) Morocco; (ii) Zanzibar; (iii) Singapore; (iv) Hong Kong; (v) Utopia.

  (e) Which of the following automobile manufacturers brought out a car called the ‘Road Runner’ with a horn imitating the cartoon character’s ‘meep, meep’?

  (i) Datsun; (ii) DeSoto; (iii) Plymouth; (iv) Chevrolet;
r />   (v) Pontiac.

  (f) Which of these US states is mentioned in the opening lyrics of ‘Take Me Home, Country Roads’?

  (i) Colorado; (ii) West Virginia; (iii) Wyoming; (iv) Nebraska;

  (v) Wisconsin.

  (g) ‘The Road Back’ was the sequel to which novel?

  (i) All Quiet on the Western Front; (ii) A Tramp Abroad;

  (iii) Three Men In A Boat; (iv) Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance; (v) The Innocents Abroad.

  (h) Named after General Joseph ‘Vinegar Joe’ Stilwell, the Stilwell Road cost $149m and the lives of 1100 soldiers to complete during WWII in which country?

  (i) Philippines; (ii) Taiwan; (iii) Libya; (iv) Thailand;

  (v) Burma.

  (i) In which of these films does the front-seat passenger warn: ‘Hey better slow down. I’ll just die if we get caught over a speeding ticket. Are you sure we should be driving like this, I mean in broad daylight and everything?’

  (i) Terminator Salvation; (ii) Leaving Las Vegas;

  (iii) Smokey and the Bandit; (iv) The Great Race;

  (v) Thelma and Louise.

  (j) In which novel, first published over 50 years ago, will you find these premonitory lines?

  ‘When daybreak came we were zooming through New Jersey with the great cloud of Metropolitan New York rising before us … we were a band of Arabs coming in to blow up New York.’

  (i) The Place of Dead Roads; (ii) Memoirs of a Beatnik;

  (iii) The Road; (iv) On The Road;

  (v) The Bridges of Madison County.

  Answers